Any man who’s got a big thing for you will never be able to grasp you telling him no. He’s not trying to hear you tell him you just want to be friends, that you have a man or that you’re holding out for something better. It’s a huge slap in the face when he’s been pining for you for days on end, and to him it’s like making him eat the dirt off the bottom of your boots when he’s already been down there long enough kissing the ground you walk on.

This is a real problem for you because you know damn well you wouldn’t be with him if he was the last man on earth.

Some guys just aren’t up for rejection from you because you have something none of these other women have. You know it, he knows it and the idea that he’ll never be able to have a piece of it for himself is too much for him to swallow.

He’ll never agree to any of the rules you try and set forth and he’ll storm out of your life resentful and beside himself. Then things could get really nasty and he may start a big mudslinging, trash-talking, psycho-stalking catastrophe you may never be able to piece back together.

The truth is, he doesn’t want to be your friend. He doesn’t want to be your second fiddle, nor does he want to be your shoulder to cry on or do you any favors UNLESS he knows at the very least, he has a small chance of ending up with you.

He wants to be your lover, your hero, and he wants to eventually make you his princess bride, except as luck would have it, he’s not the man for you.

So how do you get out of it?

There is a delicate line to walk in order to let this guy down without him taking it too personal. There are a few “unintentional” things you can do to soften the blow….

• Introduce him to one of your super hot friends.

Now this chick had better be grade A, top notch, super high-class bangin’ enough to easily distract him and divert his attention from you. We’re talking top of the line here.

If you don’t know a chick like this, register on Loveawake dating site. Chat it up with her and introduce her to him and make sure she’s in between you at all times. Make constant references to how hot, sexy and witty she is (even if she really is dumber than the Styrofoam cup she’s drinking out of).

Convince him that she’s so much hotter and desirable than you are and that she’s been waiting all her life to meet a guy just like him.

You’re going to have to carefully decipher the characteristics in you that he’s so drawn to and pick out the chick who resembles you the most. Pay close attention because if you pick the decoy chick that isn’t his type, it’s going to backfire on you and he’ll end up being even more sprung on you because you’ve helped him figure out exactly what he doesn’t want.

• Give him a hundred bucks.

Offer him a hundred dollars out of sheer charity and it’d be a miracle by the grace of a saint that he didn’t take it. People love money and most, if not all of them, will do just about anything to get it and free money falling right out of the bright blue sky is even better.

When you give it to him, he’s going to lose all sense in the basis of “trust” you two had and things will start to get creepy. He’ll start dodging you and weaseling his way out of any hint at obligation, even though you never said anything about him paying you back.

He’ll start avoiding you because he doesn’t want to have to “owe” you anything directly or indirectly. Money and friendships outside of business are never a good mix and if he sticks around like a freeloader leech and tries to get more out of you, remind him he still “owes” you the first hundred and he’ll be hiding out quicker than a dirty rat in broad daylight.

• Tell him you’ve had a series of STDs and slept with hundreds of men.

Ask him to be Father Confessional for a day and profess to him that you’ve had a colorful past. A past so colorful you’ve been arrested in 3 states, been blacklisted from 8 casinos in Las Vegas, and wound up being diagnosed with an incurably contagious disease. Tell him how you recently wound up bedridden in the hospital with Mono for 3 months and that you’ll never be able to donate blood again because you’ve accepted cash for sex.

Embellish a thousand crazy nights in which you got so trashed you woke up naked on the floor in someone’s house and didn’t know where you were or how you got there. And don’t forget to mention there were a bunch of used condoms strewn around you and the guy next to you who was covered with track marks and prison tattoos.

• Break out the bad manners.

This one works like a charm. I’ve had to nail this one down a couple of times through painstaking rehearsal in discovering what kinds of things really turn a guy off the most. If all else fails, this one will seal your fate where all others might have fallen short.

Let him take you out to dinner to a nice restaurant and do all the things your mother told you not to. Order the pepper encrusted prime rib, a ton of booze, and an entire cake. Then get trashed, eat like a pig laying down in it’s slop and forget to use your napkin. Talk to him with your mouthful and let him see all the crumbs you’ve got stuck between your teeth, then eat half the cake and spill the rest in his lap. Don’t forget to belch and pick your nose and tell him how much trouble you had relieving yourself this morning and that you hope the asparagus just might do the trick.

If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.

I know this may sound a bit underhanded, but in all honesty, it may very well save him and yourself some real heartache. Blatant self-sabotage is a graceful art, if executed at the perfect time and in the right way.

Then again, you could always run off and marry a 6’4 football player with a heart of gold and balls of steel to ensure you and the butt hurt guy can have a squeaky clean break. Until then, these are the deeds that just might get the job done.

You do realize this is a joke right??