The human race may be diverse, but we’re all searching for the same three necessities. Food, water and intimate butt-caressing. Naturally, we want the best for ourselves. Thankfully there is no shortage of Dasani or Sizzler Groupons, but how do we attain the “$16.99 All You Can Eat Scampi” as far as hot action goes? The answer is simple. Self confidence. Also, nine other things. Hence the title. “10 tips”. Self confidence is just number seven. I guess the answer is not really that simple. Sorry to mislead you.

1. Always be prepared

Attractive people are all around us. At school, on the train, riding horses on the covers of romance novels, begging for change, working in cubicles and tied to rocks at the bottom of the ocean. I believe that to be a fairly exhaustive list, but hotties can be very crafty and it’s a good idea to be prepared just in case one shows up to your AA meeting or pops out of the toilet like in the movie “Ghoulies”. Never let your guard down. Be like a champion boxer in that regard. Save your punches. This is a terrible analogy. Please don’t punch anyone unless you are positive they are an Oogedy-boogedy.

2. Make the right first impression

This is your very first opportunity to ruin everything forever. The moment an attractive person sees you, their hyper-critical brain will start picking apart your motives and zeroing in on your numerous flaws. To be safe, it is best to start from a hidden position. Find a tree or a box. Cut some holes in it. Observe. Look for traits you can mirror. If your target is wearing a sports shirt, get ready to talk about the basketball game in Teen Wolf. If they are drinking from a jewelled chalice, try bringing up the premium Angus range of burgers at McDonald’s. Use what you know, but NOT UNTIL YOU KNOW THAT WHAT YOU KNOW IS THE RIGHT THING TO KNOW. Once you have an idea of where to start, prepare to start. Then start. Hard.

3. Eye contact

Ok. Now we’re conversing. I skipped the “walking over” part because I am assuming you are not a complete idiot. Everyone already knows how to make an entrance. Slow motion, wind, Vaseline on the camera lens, etc. Now that you have the attractive person’s attention, it is very important that you look directly into their eyes. Don’t let one eye wander to the Galaga machine to your left. This may be seen as a lack of interest.  Do not look too low or they will think you just saw a flake of something fly out of their nose. Look too high and it may look like you are trying to read their thoughts through their forehead. It takes some getting used to, but you will know when you are in the zone because you will see eyes and everything else will be fuzzy around them. If you like, you can practice with a tennis ball. Simply hold the ball at face level while you are conversing with an ugly person and pretend it is a pair of eyes.

4. Get to the point

The attractive person’s hesitation to talk to us is understandable. They have realised, rightly so, that the only reason anyone wants to talk to them is the prospect of their sweet, sweet D (or lady-D) and this allows them to be selective. Let’s be honest. If these hardbodies humored everyone they would be pedaling a swan boat on the lake with losers every waking moment of every day. So if they’ve been kind enough to give you a chance, be courteous of their time. Use a stopwatch to time your anecdotes at home. If they go on for more than three seconds you are a boring piece of garbage. Their words, not mine.

5. Ask questions

This conversation can end any second. Do you want to stop looking at those long, luscious eyelashes clasping together like two big sexy rakes? No way. So get ready to dig deep into a pile of their boring wank. Just rattle off a question about whatever this grade-A top choice piece of meat seems to like and nod while you quickly think of a few follow-up questions. If they start to suspect that you’re not listening, simply cough, drop something, then slowly bend down to pick it up. This will distract them. The perfect crime. DO NOT HAVE POO ON YOUR PANTS OR THIS WILL NOT WORK.

6. Touch your face and mouth whenever possible

I learned this from watching Clueless. Great movie. She has a bunch of other rules in that movie as well, but I don’t remember them. She also has a movie where she is a lawyer. Legally Blonde. Wait. No. That’s the other one of her. Have you seen Election? Oh man. Good stuff. You have to see it. Not particularly relevant to this topic, though. But still. Rent it.

7. Self Confidence

I want to try an exercise. Look into this mirror. Now, don’t be alarmed but I have drawn a Rambo headband and muscles on it to enhance your reflection. I know, the muscles look a little weird, but that’s so they can multi-purpose as large breasts for my female readers. Take a good look. There is nothing you can’t do. Some people will try to tell you to “get in line” or “own up to farting in the car”. They’re called losers and they may as well die. Take what you need, even if it drowns a baby owl. Ok, now take a deep breath. You feel that? It’s called self-respect and it breeds confidence. Now, for the love of God, dial it back a bit. Try to stop somewhere in the middle. Perfect. You’re ready.

8. Point to your genitals with your thumbs at all times

Our arms naturally want to hang straight down by our sides like noodles with hands on the ends. In order to appear confident we must resist this behaviour. Pointing at our junk is a daring move but if done properly, it can be highly effective. The best way is to point our fingers away to distract their attention, while letting our thumbs (the coolest hand-nubs) get to work. Hands half in pockets, thumbs resting on thighs is the most simple execution, but you can be creative. Just be careful not to point with your hand resting anywhere above your stomach or this can be seen as a “thumbs down” gesture, and is an insult in many cultures. Especially if paired with a raspberry.

9. Flattery

Does the attractive person have nice shoes? Tell them. Don’t keep it all bottled up inside. People die that way. One day you are lying in a hospital bed with severe stomach pain. The next minute KABLAM. You accidentally tell the doctor they have nice shoes. Why? You can’t even see them. Where did that come from? “Oh! I should have said it to Brenda when I had the chance. I wish I was dead”. Fast forward 45 years. KABLAM. Fatal canoe accident. Tell them while you can. I’m not threatening you, but you are going to die. Come on. Just say it. Three little words. “Nice espadrilles, Brenda”.

10. Body language

Movement can convey powerful messages. It can tell us that a guy just hurt his right ankle or that an approaching dog totally wants our ice cream. Since we are making a conscious effort not to absorb any uninteresting word vomit, we can concentrate on using this to our full advantage. For instance, if you slowly shift your weight from leg to leg while tilting your head, this will convey to your sweet thang the illusion that they are on a softly rocking boat adrift in the Indian ocean, where anything can happen including passionate hugs. Just move your body like a sexy puppet. Don’t second guess yourself. Your mind will only hold you back. Shut it down.

So as you can see, with a bit of heart and a lot of practice, we can put the moves on an attractive person. Don’t get me wrong, they will still say no. They always say no. But years from now they will have found their soulmate and after a long day of shutting down losers they will be together, making love. Lost in each others’ arms. Feeling the passion flow through every inch of their body. Trying not to get too excited. Straining to prolong the moment just a little longer. And then maybe… just maybe… they will remember the time we approached them and last another three minutes. And if you ask me, that is super hot.